Try Living Well Without Me

Rustle, rustle—

I have a habit of writing a daily journal. It’s an old habit that I’ve kept since the very beginning of my regression, doing so to remember the events that have passed.

Of course, when time rewinds, all the journals disappear, but since the purpose is more for memorization than record-keeping, it doesn’t matter much to me.

Now, it’s just become a habit.

Rustle—

I place the freshly ground ink beside me and begin writing today’s journal.

Since I left the Namgung Clan, the journal I’m writing now is the one I started after coming to the Taewon Jin Clan.

“Ugh, I’m full… Lunch today was so-so, wasn’t it?”

“I didn’t find it that satisfying… Did you like it?”

Outside the door, voices murmur conversationally.

Trying my best to ignore them, I hold my brush steady and start jotting down today’s events in the journal.

Yet, my ears keep perking up at the servants’ conversations.

Scribble—

Before I realize it, the words “活人之劍” (Sword that Saves Lives) are already written in the journal.

A sword, used as a weapon to harm others, is used to save people—on the surface, a contradictory statement.

What could be more contradictory than using a weapon of death to save lives?

“There’s something I want to discuss with you…”

In the past, I leaned on this idea.

Because my actions during my regression were akin to that of a “活人之劍” (Sword that Saves Lives).

Or rather, I was using the “殺人之劍” (Sword that Takes Lives), but…

I would repeat the words of ancient sages, brainwashing myself.

When the boundaries of justice and chivalry began to blur, I could not afford to doubt my values or the path I had taken.

Even if it meant killing dozens of the strong to save a single weak person suffering, I had to view it as the right thing—even after rewinding time and doing it again.

If my values turned out to be wrong, that would mean the path of martial arts I’d walked my whole life was also shaky.

That would make my sword, the sword of the “Sword Sage,” waver.

For a martial artist, for the belief in one’s sword to waver is more than a simple case of mental disturbance.

It’s a negation of everything about oneself—life, martial arts, inner strength, everything.

In the worst case, it could lead to obsession and ultimately falling into madness.

To prevent that, I used to force myself to consider my actions as those of a “活人之劍” (Sword that Saves Lives).

Now, it seems useless.

In the end, the path I walked was not one of saving lives but of taking them, and the number of people I’ve killed likely exceeds the number I’ve saved by dozens of times.

Worse—

“Looking at the current martial world, there’s not even a speck of chivalry left in it.”

“Yeah, that’s true. The Romantic Era during the War of the Blood and the Pure was incredible.”

“At that time…” He groans. “It’s too painful to even speak of it. The current Elders of the Martial Alliance, from the Lord of the Alliance himself, were nothing like they are now.”

“The three legends—Water Lord, Sword Sage, and Jade Flower. But Water Lord retired to meditate after the war ended, and you know what happened to the Sword Sage…”

“What a disgusting bastard. Who would’ve thought that the conversation he had with the Celestial Demon upon descending from the Tian Shan Mountains was about exchanging demon techniques? I never imagined why the Celestial Demon had returned so compliantly, but there were secret motives I couldn’t have guessed.”

“Jade Flower eventually followed the Sword Sage’s example, didn’t she? She claims she’s deep in meditation, but in fact, it’s no different from her entering seclusion on the summit of Kunlun Mountain. Everyone knows that.”

“The Sword Sage’s change corrupted the rest of them. After the person who most actively practiced chivalry changed, everyone else did too.”

“Is that so? Even though there are originally plenty of gossipy rumors about the Elders of the Martial Alliance?”

“Pfft, no matter what, can any of them compare to that lecherous guy, the Sword Sage?”

You bastards who know nothing, spouting nonsense.

If it weren’t for me, you would’ve likely died already—powerless and weak, just yakking off like fools.

Ignorant puppets, moving and speaking only according to the will of Namgung Bin.

And now I have to listen to you chatter, not even knowing who’s inside here behind this door.

‘Pointless. Utterly pointless.’

The dark thoughts keep swirling in my head.

All I’ve done is trade one set of villains for another. Or perhaps, for a bunch incapable of reasoning, devoid of any brains whatsoever.

‘Disgusting vermin.’

Suddenly, my homicidal intent surges.

How much have I suffered for your sakes?

To protect you in this Martial World, I’ve done everything—even enduring the dismemberment of my limbs as a plaything for Blood Demons to gather intelligence.

Do you have any idea the lengths I’ve gone to, traveling across the world, trying to save every last one of you?

While you dismiss my desperate efforts, you wholeheartedly believe baseless rumors.

A sense of disgust rises in me, darker and stronger than any feeling of futility ever could.

Cruch…

Without realizing it, I tighten my grip.

Looking down, I see the brush has snapped in two.

The characters for “活人之劍” (Sword that Saves Lives) written in the journal have become crumpled and smeared, now resembling the characters for “殺人之劍” (Sword that Takes Lives).

“You’ve heard about this most recent murders of the Blade Lord and Water Lord, right? When I heard that the Sword Sage had been quietly ousted from the Namgung Clan without causing any trouble, I thought he still retained some sense of morality, but I was wrong.”

“There’s a saying that people don’t change. The Sword Sage has always been an evil man, and how could his nature ever change?”

My life, my regression, my suffering—it feels like my very existence is being discredited.

I am angry at these insignificant people who are talking nonsense from the other side of this door, unaware that I am here.

Even though I thought I had achieved a sense of detachment, a burning rage rises uncontrollably.

“Huff, huff…”

It’s been a long time since I’ve felt this way.

I want to burst out there and tear apart those who don’t know the meaning of gratitude…

– Master, pull yourself together!

– What is this? Is your mind about to collapse? Do you want to fall into madness?!

– Master, I can understand your feelings. It must be disheartening, to feel betrayed by your life, efforts, and suffering. I know your journey firsthand.

– “Understand? You understand what? Have you gone through the same regression I have? Do you truly understand the difference between merely observing and actually enduring such pain firsthand?”

Because of these overwhelming emotions, my voice grows strong, like I’m skewering Jin Woo-yong with a stake.

– True! I, as the Master, may not fully grasp what you’ve endured, but I do know one thing—anger should be controlled, not wielded recklessly! If a martial artist like you is overwhelmed by anger, what then?!

– …!

The words echo deeply inside me.

Though I remain agitated, I start to feel a bit calmer as well.

The trembling in my hands, which couldn’t be controlled moments ago, finally stills.

Fingers that had been clenched in fury relax, and the journal I was holding, though slightly crumpled, unfolds once more.

“But I can’t curse the Sword Sage, even if I wanted to.”

“Look at you—no words are off-limits for you. You do know eyes from the Penglai and Shuulongzhang River Sect could be watching, don’t you?”

“You know as well as I do why. Our daughter was rescued by the Sword Sage.”

“…”

“He immediately ran off the moment he heard she’d been taken by the Blood Cultists. Can you imagine the anguish I felt then? Knowing my daughter was captured, and there I was, helpless, praying desperately while tapping my feet in frustration…”

“Hmm… I understand where you’re coming from, but…”

“No, you can’t understand. Try staying awake night after night, relying only on a cup of water while praying desperately to the heavens and the Sword Sage for help. The next day, when the Sword Sage returned my daughter unharmed, I cried so much out of gratitude.”

“Shhh… Be quiet now… This is public outside… What will the people inside this wing think if they hear you?”

“Even if the Sword Sage saved her for reputation’s sake, if it hadn’t been for him, I would’ve never seen my daughter again. How could I possibly curse him? I’d bow down a thousand, ten thousand times and still not consider it enough gratitude.”

“Argh…! This person is really something… Lower your voice…”

The journal still bears clear the smeared ink, which now resembles the characters for “活人之劍” (Sword that Saves Lives).

– Fellow, I know you’re angry, but they are mere commoners, innocent of any wrongdoing.

– I understand.

The surging emotion rapidly subsides.

– Would a person like you let uncontrollable rage turn you into a mess?

– ….

– Fellow, you were in an incredibly dangerous state just now. All your suppressed anger almost melted into the dantian, threatening to send you into demonization.

– Is that so?

– Tsk, I was peacefully napping when I felt this disturbance. What’s the commotion? Your spirit was so shaken I had to intervene. Control yourself, will you?

– Acknowledged.

Even though I can’t see Jin Woo-yong, I can feel the gaze of disapproval he casts on me from afar.

– A needle in the haystack.

– What?

– Stop pretending, Fellow. You know much more than I do. Why ask such a question?

– I don’t mean that… Why did you bring that up now?

– No matter what your brother does or whatever unjust blame is put on you, your actions were righteous in the end.

– I’m not even sure they were righteous.

– Didn’t you hear their conversation and still not understand? A thorn in a pocket will always poke out eventually; truth has a way of surfacing. Namgung Bin may be skillful, but he’s far from perfect, something you know much more clearly than I do.

– …

– Hmph, what a headache. Aid the weak—isn’t that a righteous act? Didn’t you save the martial world from the Blood Cultists like that father mentioned?

– Those Blood Cultists were also someone’s parents and someone’s children. And those individuals criticizing you might themselves be villains to others.

– You’re killing my ability to console you… What can I say now?

My head is in turmoil now.

I have a strong impulse to be alone.

But due to the existence of this wandering spirit bound to me, that’s impossible.

“Keh.”

– Why are you wearing a malicious smile all of a sudden?

Is this my fate? I can’t even shed Namgung Cheolbin and find peace.

Despite having done everything—stopping the Blood Demon, thwarting the Celestial Demon—I keep resenting this heaven that has brought me to this point.

For a brief moment, this impulse shows on my face.

“It’s nothing.”

– Fellow, you’re reverting to your previous state again?

I quickly return to my usual expressionless demeanor.

Oddly, changing my face seems to help reset my thoughts.

Just as I’m internally surprised at how quickly I regain my composure—

– Do you desire revenge?

Jin Woo-yong suddenly brings up revenge.

‘What nonsense. A man with the knowledge of revenge being nothing more than a cycle of bloodshed knows better.’

– Yet you know better than I that breaking that cycle is also a form of revenge.

‘What is your reason for telling me this?’

Jin Woo-yong regains his composure and continues speaking.

His words pierce deep within me.

– If you desire revenge, then act upon it.

‘It’s useless.’

– Let me inform you objectively, Fellow. Namgung Bin is an evil person, and you—a righteous one. The absolute villain versus the mad righteous one. What’s the point of such a meaningless debate about morality?

‘Then why ask such a question now?’

– And yet, a part of your heart wavers at my words. Does it not?

‘Are you going to spout falsehoods now as well?’

– The Master himself does not advocate revenge. The cycle of revenge rarely yields anything good, something even a child should know.

‘Then why are you always bringing it up?’

– Because I feel sorry for you. Do you know why you had that sudden bout earlier? I don’t know if you’ve realized, but something about you in the last three years of your memories seems off.

‘…?’

– Such incidents will continue to happen in the future. Why? Your personality is gradually reverting to what it was during your regressions! Judging by your expression, you seem unaware that after thwarting the Celestial Demon for the first time in your thousands of regressed years, entering an era post-“Celestial Demon’s Descent,” you inexplicably turned mild-mannered.

‘…???’

Is he lying to convince me?

It’s too outlandish to be true, though.

My personality changing without me noticing? That’s absurd.

– It was indeed strange! Every time I saw your memory of the cold and sharp individual falling for your brother’s tricks or refusing to resolve matters with force despite having the premise of evil established—didn’t it feel off?

…Right about now, I probably look utterly bewildered on my face.

The words aren’t entirely off the mark, which makes it even more confusing.

– But after you left the Namgung family, the personality from your regression period slowly started to return. The emotionless killer of justice has come back, now with emotions. Hmph, why am I even telling you all this…

‘…’

– Tsk, let it be. The Master is merely worried. I fear your accumulated anger might be directed at something unworthy. Wouldn’t it be better for you to unleash it on someone like Namgung Bin?

‘Do you think I’m someone who can’t control a single outburst?’

– You seemed too agreeable earlier.

‘Ahem…’

– Ah, whatever, manage things as you see fit. Who is our son-in-law if not someone who always knows best.

For some reason, even though he’s stopping, why do I feel he should hold me back a little longer, persuade me a bit more?

It’s an ugly thought that I hesitate to express openly.

– Fellow, rest assured, the Master will do his utmost to prevent these outbursts. After all, he is your father-in-law, isn’t he?

‘…Until when will this title of father-in-law persist?’

– Thus, live your life freely. Hasn’t our daughter already said so? A son-in-law who has earned the right to live as he pleases. The Master agrees wholeheartedly on this matter.

‘What I want most is rest.’

– Is that truly the end?

‘If I could continue writing my journal daily, grind ink peacefully, and properly assist the young miss, it would suffice. If I could be a little greedy, I’d fancy eating chicken legs more often. That’s all I desire.’

Truly.

That’s all I desire.

…Probably.

Squeak!

“Uncle!”

At that moment, the bold presence I’ve felt all along pushes the door open.

It’s my young miss—Jin Gayoung.

“It’s time to leave for the Seven Flowers Hall!”

“Yes, I’ll prepare immediately.”

“No, just your presence is enough, Uncle!”

So, it’s time to head to the Seven Flowers Hall, huh?

Even though Jin Woo-yong’s words from earlier are still swirling in my head… As someone assisting Miss Jin Gayoung, I should pull myself together.

With that, I hastily gather the essentials and am about to leave the room when—

– Remember the Master’s words well.

Jin Woo-yong holds me back.

‘What exactly do I need to remember?’

Thump, thump…

It feels like the words I subconsciously have been waiting for are about to come.

– Revenge is not difficult.

Predictable words.

Yet, I counter with another denial.

‘Don’t say such ridiculous things.’

Revenge is bad. I need to remain the righteous one.

– Hmph.

‘Is there anything else you’d like to say?’

And with that, I climb aboard the carriage waiting outside.

– There’s no such thing as an absolutely righteous person, but if one were to exist… it would be you.

As the carriage moves, my thoughts drift into silence.

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