Chapter 14
“Hngh… sniff… sniff…”
Vivian tried to hold back her tears, even holding her breath, but the tears wouldn’t stop flowing.
The constant disregard from those around her was unbearable.
The adults’ hostile attitudes were terrifying.
There was no one to help her.
It was clear that everything was too much for her to handle right now.
“Hngh… hick… sniff…”
She pressed her mouth shut and let the tears spill.
If others saw her like this, instead of feeling sorry, they would surely sigh in disgust.
That’s why she was crying in hiding.
This was a sight she couldn’t show the guards either.
The spot she found was the garden in the Rondore courtyard.
She squeezed into the depths of the garden, where no one was around, and cried her eyes out.
-Swoosh.
But just then, a sound echoed from behind her.
Startled, she turned around to find the last person she wanted to see standing there.
Kyle Allen.
The eldest son of the Allen family, the root of all her troubles, whom she had watched for months.
How much more was he planning to make her miserable?
Not wanting to show her face, Vivian turned away again. Against her will, she tried to stifle her sobs.
She hunched over, showing only her back to Kyle, as more tears fell.
“…Did you… sniff… see?”
Vivian asked without even realizing it.
Was he going to expose her earlier humiliating moment?
“You being ignored by the family knights?”
But Kyle casually shot back.
Perhaps it was just her imagination, but it felt like there was a mocking tone in his voice too.
Vivian’s fists naturally clenched. If there was a mouse hole, she wanted to hide in it.
Why was it always Kyle Allen who caught her in these moments?
Why did her weakest sides always come to light in front of the one person she least wanted to show them to?
Crying normally, that night, getting hit by Lady Linne, and whatever was happening now…
The retainers who should have been on her side were completely oblivious, while ironically, all her vulnerabilities were laid bare in front of her enemy.
It couldn’t be more humiliating.
“…Hngh… just…”
Vivian finally spoke to Kyle.
There were no other words she could muster. She just wished Kyle Allen wasn’t there.
After all, it was Kyle Allen who had said he didn’t want to see her crying. There was no need to force him to witness something he disliked.
“…”
When she received no reply, she turned her head to check if he had left.
Kyle Allen was still standing there, unmoving.
He finally turned to her with a late response.
“…I don’t want to.”
-Thud!
Vivian, enraged at his words, picked up a pebble from the ground and threw it at him.
-Clatter!
Kyle Allen didn’t flinch.
Filled with frustration, Vivian huffed and puffed, but it was she who started to crumble in the face of Kyle’s indifference.
Once again, she cried in front of him.
Moreover, there was no longer any reason to stifle her voice.
The last person she wanted to catch her crying was standing right there; who was she hiding this from anyway?
So, she simply let go and cried out loud.
Strangely enough, Kyle Allen said nothing.
She had expected him to tease or mock her, but he merely stood there, listening.
…
…
When Vivian had cried her heart out, Kyle Allen finally moved.
He approached her, taking one step at a time, and crouched down in front of her.
The musty smell of dust. And a faint scent of blood.
That was Kyle Allen’s scent.
Their gazes locked.
“…”
“…”
His deep, black eyes held a depth that was hard to read.
She couldn’t quite grasp what he was thinking.
It was a complicated feeling.
She didn’t want to get tangled up with Kyle Allen like this, yet running away seemed like a loss.
So, she felt stuck and trapped, unable to escape him.
“Why are you being ignored?”
Kyle asked.
“What?”
“Why are the knights ignoring you?”
“…”
He casually poked at her wounds, and she couldn’t help but resent him for it.
“…Why do I have to tell you that?”
“…”
-Tsk, Kyle clicked his tongue and scratched his head.
He looked like he was frustrated but couldn’t quite express it.
But Vivian felt that same frustration in her own heart.
She felt the urge to confide her burdens to someone.
Though the situation with him felt awkward, the fact that they had been watching each other for the past few months made the presence of one another feel somewhat natural.
“In our family, if a knight disrespects the head, it’s execution time, you know?”
“…”
“But you, getting treated like this, it’s just ludicrous.”
At Kyle’s words, Vivian lowered her head in defeat.
She knew it too. She was a pitiful head of the family. She was being subjected to absurdity.
But it couldn’t be helped in this situation.
Kyle continued, oblivious to this reality.
“So just tell me. So I can understand. What was that earlier?”
“…”
“If you’re being ignored like that, it’s going to drag us down too, the ones who’ve been fighting with you.”
“…”
Sitting on the ground, Vivian idly brushed the pebbles between her fingers.
She wanted to talk. There was no one else to confide in.
She wanted to breathe. She wanted to escape this pressure.
So Vivian couldn’t hold back any longer and muttered her innermost thoughts.
“…Are you really asking because you don’t know?”
If even one person had been there to listen to her, she wouldn’t have dared to say these words to Kyle Allen.
But there was no one for her.
“You’ve seen it all. You’ve felt it all. You know everything. Why act like you don’t? To make me feel more miserable?”
“I really don’t get it.”
Staring into her face at such close range, Kyle’s sincerity was evident in his expression.
There was no hint of falseness in his demeanor.
As she bit her lip, Vivian spilled her guts out.
“It’s because of you guys…everyone’s dead, and I’m the only one left. Isn’t that naturally how it is?”
“Why is that natural?”
“Because…I have no dignity like my father, brother, or mother…”
“But you’re still the head.”
Vivian, slowly opening up, started to pour out her heart.
“I stutter when I speak, and here I am crying. I hardly feel like a head… Honestly, even I…”
“But you’re not stuttering now?”
Vivian was taken aback by his words as the realization hit her. She jerked her head up.
“…Huh?”
Trying to find her voice, Vivian scrunched her face. She stammered.
“T-That’s because when I’m with you, I’m just… so angry!”
“Now you’re stuttering again.”
“Ugh, for real…!”
Vivian wanted to smack him in the face, raising her hand.
But seeing Kyle’s nonchalant demeanor, she lost the urge to do it.
She felt that hitting him would only hurt her hand.
Kyle Allen had this tendency to just take everything like a stone.
With a deep sigh, Vivian concluded, “But you really think it’s okay to treat me like this just because I’m weak? Where’s the loyalty? Are all the southern knights that unreasonable?”
“Not all of them, but… something happened with Baelor recently.”
“What happened? Just say it all at once. I thought you just stuttered, but it seems you can’t even hold a conversation. You’re just so clueless.”
Frustrated, Vivian yelled.
“T-There was a problem with the executions! We can’t carry them out right now…”
“Why can’t you carry out executions? Just kill the prisoners.”
“…I need to stamp the papers to carry out an execution.”
“Then stamp them.”
Vivian glared sharply at Kyle Allen.
Strangely enough, he cleared his throat and looked away first.
Vivian gathered her thoughts.
Because he didn’t understand this, Kyle Allen thought her life was easy.
“If I stamp them… in the end, it means I’ll be the one killing them.”
“…”
“I’m still… this is…”
She wiggled her fingers again. Her arms were trembling like they were going through a cold spell.
Vivian still vividly remembered the feeling of raising the official seal.
The sheer weight of one person’s life felt unimaginable.
It terrified her that a life could be lost due to her choice.
No matter how you slice it, killing a prisoner would ultimately be her doing.
At this moment, it was too overwhelming for her.
She had hoped that everyone would just handle it for her.
But an lord’s seal was essential for executions, and Vivian was not free from that responsibility either.
She was afraid Kyle would mock her weakness, so she quickly changed the subject.
“A-And… there’s no executioner available right now.”
“What do you mean?”
“There’s no one to behead the prisoners. I have to appoint someone new.”
“Appoint someone.”
“Who would want to be an executioner? Just being appointed is a huge humiliation!”
“Normally, our father did it all.”
This thought made her see how barbaric it sounded. Is that how people from the North operated?
Being an executioner was inherently linked to blood and cruelty, so it was something everyone wanted to avoid.
It was also considered a filthy profession, dealing with death.
Typically, it would be a hereditary job, so executioner families existed, but the family that served as the executioners for the Rondores had been wiped out in the war.
Finding a new executioner in this situation was tough.
It’s like commanding someone to become the executioner of the family for generations.
“And now that I think about it, this is also because of your family…! You killed all our executioners…”
“Whining won’t bring them back.”
“…”
“And if being an executioner is a humiliation, let Baelor do it. It’s a good way to get back at them for ignoring you.”
“Wow, you want me to tell Baelor to do it?”
It was unfathomable to think of the head of the 1st Knight Order becoming an executioner
Vivian was baffled by Kyle Allen’s words, which seemed devoid of thought.
She rolled her eyes at him.
“Hah, you’d make an interesting political figure in the Allen family. Don’t you care about how your retainers feel?”
Kyle let out a chuckle.
“All you do is worry about how they feel, and that’s why you’re getting ignored. You need to push back, or they’ll walk all over you.”
“…”
Vivian could find no retort to his brief reprimand.
Truthfully, she had been speaking confidently, but she didn’t know what the answer was. Should she assertively correct the knights’ behavior, or continue to endure to avoid conflict…
Perhaps there was a chance that Kyle Allen was right. It was confusing.
Moreover, there was a degree of fear preventing her from taking action as well. She didn’t want to expose this to Kyle Allen, though.
“…Your words are rather slick.”
So, instead, she huffed in annoyance.
“It looks easy to stamp the seal when you say it. Applying punishment to Baelor sounds so simple when you talk that way. Everyone can talk big, but if you were in my position, you’d be struggling too.”
“I would.”
Seeing Kyle Allen easily concede gave Vivian a surge of strength as she shouted,
“Yet, you-”
“-But in any case, I would have done what had to be done. Unlike you, who’s just crying about it.”
Vivian’s voice caught in her throat once again.
Strangely enough, she felt as if that was true. Kyle Allen gave off a sense that he’d take care of his responsibilities if it was necessary.
That was the truth she had noticed while watching him these past few months.
But perhaps taking her silence as rejection, Kyle Allen spoke up.
“Do you think that sounds like a lie?”
Seeing him challenge her, Vivian felt that competitive spirit rise slowly within her.
Childishly, she countered.
“Yeah. You probably haven’t done anything.”
Then Kyle calmly replied.
“Want me to show you?”
Vivian scoffed at his words.
“Show me what? What can you do? Are you volunteering to stamp the seal for me? Don’t say nonsense. Do you think you’d even have access to the Rondore seal?”
“Who asked for a seal?”
“What?”
“I’ll be the executioner. That way, we both kill them.”
“…Kill together…?”
“I can kill. If it’s necessary. After all, when I go back to the North, I’m going to be doing it anyway.”
“What are you talking about? You can’t go back to the North. You’ll rot here for the rest of your life.”
Vivian cut him off abruptly, her voice sharp.
Kyle Allen also lowered his proud stature for the first time.
“…Well, anyway.”
He then returned to the original topic and said,
“I can show you.”
“…”
“If you stamp the seal.”
…Ultimately, this meant that it had to be her who stamped it.
She knew that. It was an unavoidable task as a lord.
Vivian looked down at the ground and clenched her fists.
“…Have you ever killed anyone?”
“No. If it happens, it’ll be my first time too.”
“A-Aren’t you scared?”
Vivian found herself asking bluntly, unaware of herself.
This awkward, unnatural situation kept unfolding. Whenever she spoke with Kyle Allen, her vulnerabilities emerged.
Suddenly, Vivian snapped back to reality.
Who was she saying this to?
If it were Kyle Allen, it’d be obvious he’d look down on her…
“-I’m scared.”
Kyle Allen replied.
Startled by his answer, she looked up. His ice-cold expression now held a tinge of distortion.
She hadn’t expected that from someone who took everything so calmly.
“But even if I’m scared, I have to do it.”
“…”
“Otherwise, I’ll just keep being disrespected by the grown-ups.”
Kyle’s words didn’t sit well with her.
Given his background, it rubbed her the wrong way for sure.
“…Hah.”
Despite her feelings, Vivian began to feel that her burdens were lifting slightly.
She didn’t want to admit it, but she realized she had a lot in common with Kyle Allen.
They were similar in age, the situations they faced were alike…
…That made his actions feel somewhat like a beacon of sorts to her.
Seeing someone like Kyle endure made her think that maybe she could manage, that she had to manage.
That’s probably why the weight on her shoulders grew lighter. She felt like she could at least stamp the seal a little.
It felt as though she shared half the burden with Kyle Allen.
No, it was absurd, but it felt like Kyle Allen was shouldering part of it for her.
-Swish.
Vivian noticed her forearm growing cold.
When her awareness returned, she realized Kyle Allen had let go of her.
She didn’t even know when he had been holding her.
All she understood was that the trembling in her arm had ceased.
When that unpleasant warmth left, it felt strangely empty.
“…Don’t touch me.”
Vivian said this upon realizing, but only after his hand had already withdrawn.
Kyle Allen merely shrugged his shoulders.
Yet, amid everything, there was one thing that she couldn’t understand.
After deliberating whether to ask, Vivian eventually spoke up.
“But… if it scares you… why are you stepping up like this?”
Kyle Allen stood up.
He brushed off his legs and replied.
“I told you I’d show you that you’re weak. You need to share the burden, so you don’t have any excuses later.”
Then, Kyle Allen turned and left.
Vivian watched his retreating figure, brushing her forearm.